Wacko Celebs’ Guide to Extreme Parenting

So, I got a chance to catch up on People while my highlights were baking under the hair dryer today. Not the issue with William Levy on the cover (I am giving you that piece of eye candy because I love you), the one speculating whether William and Kate are pregnant. Since I am not a royal stalker (I think they’re a royal pain in the arse taking up so much celebrity gossip ink), I flipped through for better dirt at my leisure. Getting my hair done is like a mini-vaca post-Alex, and I quickly found the equivalent of a great beach read.

I honed in on an article about celebs and their extreme approach to parenting. Be forewarned, this one may make you a little hot under the collar (if you aren’t already after taking in those William Levy pics). I am going to be judgmental, and bitchy, and snarky…but this material is just too good to be nice.

First up, January Jones: I must admit, I don’t really know who she is, but with a name like January I would expect she might be a little unconventional. Why couldn’t her parents have settled on April if they were gung-ho on naming their daughter after a month? Anyway, true to January form, she’s out there. I mean, really out there, in a galaxy far, far away, where they think eating their old dried up placentas combat new Mom exhaustion. I feel queasy just typing it, never mind downing placenta in lieu of my morning coffee. This girl saved her placenta from birth, put it through the dehydration process, and paid to have it converted to pill form. I don’t know about you, but I did a happy dance when that crusty black thing fell off of Alex’s belly button way back when. It never dawned on me to throw it in my diaper bag for an on-the-go snack. Silly me. I’d rather be drop-dead tired than eat myself for an energy boost. Since when is cannabalism in vogue? I am, and will always be, placenta-free.

Let’s move on to Mayim Bialik. Remember that cool chick from Blossom who taught us that everyone didn’t have to be Noxema Girl pretty? She was a trendsetter with her big nose she refused to fix and funky, mismatched outfits…the original SJP. But now she’s crazy. Now, she has a three-and-a-half-year-old hanging from her boob for his morning milk. I get the benefits of breast milk, believe me…but I also get the benefits of not being the only boy on the playground sipping on a C-cup. Maybe he’s too attached, Mayim? What does Daddy think of sharing your boob and your bed with your son at this point? He must be a tad annoyed, even in your peace-loving, attachment parenting house, no? Cut the cord, Mayim, cut the cord (and, for the love of God, ditch the placenta, please).

And then there’s Alicia Silverstone. I am generally a fan. She rocked Aerosmith videos and gave me permission to say “as if” with attitude. She’s also a vegan (I have been a vegetarian for more than 20 years, but don’t have the discipline to go all the way, so I give her props). Until today, I was Team Alicia. But now, I think her little asymmetrical mouth is freaky, because she uses it to chew up her miso soup and regurgitate it into her son’s mouth. As a way of feeding. Like a mama bird feeding a baby bird. Only we’re human beings, in case you missed the memo, Alicia. We’re people. With knives, forks, and spoons to spare our young from our food that’s supposed to make its way through our very own digestive system. I get that you named your son Bear Blu, so, again, I expect a little bit of a freak show, but not a super freak show. His name is Bear, not bird…at least elevate him to bear status and let the kid eat his own food.

If you’re doubting your Mommy skills, I am here to tell you you’re doing just fine if you’re not eating your placenta, breastfeeding your preschooler, or giving your offspring mouth-to-mouth baby bird-style. You’re doing alright…sleep well tonight, Mommies.

As if this post couldn’t get any weirder, I have a fun fact for you: It’s National Grilled Cheese Day. In honor of this huge holiday, I made Asiago Cheese Bread and served it alongside my minestrone. Yum.

Asiago Cheese Bread

1 garlic clove, pressed
1 loaf crusty bread, cut in half lengthwise (your choice)
1 1/2 tablespoons olive oil or butter
1/2 teaspoon chopped fresh rosemary
1- 1 1/2 cups finely grated Asiago cheese (depending on the size of the loaf)

Method

Preheat the broiler.

Spread garlic on cut sides of bread; brush evenly with olive oil or butter. Top evenly with cheese (Mommy Dish note: you can add some rosemary, too…it tastes great on this bread). Broil 4 minutes or until cheese melts and bread is lightly browned. Cut into pieces and serve.