Shut My Mouth, Please…

Perhaps if John Stamos was my dentist I wouldn't mind going. But...you guessed it...he's not.

Am I the only one who prefers the gynecologist to the dentist? Bring on the stirrups! Even with the TVs attached to the ergonomically correct dentist chairs, the walls painted a sunny yellow, and the spa music spilling into the room…I’d rather get a PAP smear any day.

Who’s with me?

I know it’s a warped comparison, but what else do you expect? I spent more than two hours of my life with my mouth open today. I am nursing a jaw that unwillingly participated in one hell of a Zumba marathon, a fat lip that’s still buzzed, and post-novacaine jitters. Oh, and I am rockin’ a lisp, too. Ouch.

A few random thoughts regarding my visit:

There are silencers for guns, so crazy people can go on stealth killing sprees, but there’s no silencer for dentist drills. Who made this decision? I’d much rather hear a shot coming my way than a drill. Don’t you agree? Who do I have to talk to to tell those drills to “sshhhhhh” or go “night night?”

Why are the TVs in front of the patients? We lie there helpless on our backs like some bored housewife stuck in the missionary position, staring at the white ceiling. We can’t hear the TV over the menacing sound of the drill or the annoying spit sucker, and we can’t see the thing, either. Raise the TVs up, please.

I am going to have to really fake it in front of my son. I don't want him to inherit my hatred of the dentist chair.

There will be no nodding off in the chair, no matter how zen new-age dentists try to make the experience . My dentist told me I could “fall asleep” during my mouth labor because she inserted an instrument to keep it open. With a teenager who stays up late and a toddler who gets up early, I am chronically tired. But, really, I will never be exhausted enough to take a power nap under fluorescent lights with two women prying at me and spit spewing all over my face. Uh no, even I can’t crash under those circumstances. But she did make half of my face laugh at the suggestion.

Dentists must accept no one likes seeing them or paying them. I’d rather buy a new spring wardrobe than pay for teeth I already own. Hell, I’d even rather pay the mortgage. And, yes, I’d prefer to spend the first day of spring chasing my son around, not strapped in a chair with the windows open in 75-degree heat. Dentist, do you really think I am the only one who thought about standing you up today? I guarantee you…I am not…no matter how good you are (and I will admit you’re good).

What am I missing? I know there’s something in my post-cavity stupor! Do you hate going to the dentist as much as I do?

Here’s a dish my dentist would approve of: Oven-Roasted Broccoli (it’s definitely not on her candy/soda/coffee naughty list!). It’s one of my family’s favorite recipes, courtesy of Alton Brown. Try it…even those who hate broccoli will like it. It’s delicious.

Oven-Roasted Broccoli

Ingredients

1 pound broccoli, rinsed and trimmed
2 tablespoons olive oil
2 cloves garlic, minced
1/2 teaspoon kosher salt
1/4 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper
1/3 cup panko bread crumbs
1/4 cup finely grated Parmesan or sharp Cheddar (Mommy Dish note: I use Parmesan cheese, add some of it in before roasting, and toss in the rest when it’s cooked).

Method

Preheat oven to 425 degrees.

Cut the broccoli florets into bite size pieces. Cut the stalk into 1/8-inch thick, round slices. Place the broccoli into a mixing bowl and toss with the olive oil, garlic, kosher salt and pepper and set aside.

Spread the panko into a 13 by 9-inch metal cake pan and place into the oven for 2 minutes or until lightly toasted. Remove the panko from the oven and add to the bowl with the broccoli mixture. Toss to combine. Return the mixture to the cake pan, place in the oven and roast just until the broccoli is tender, 8 to 10 more minutes. Remove from the oven, toss in the cheese and serve immediately.

P.S. Please keep voting for Mommy Dish by clicking the brown Top Mommy Blogs button at the top of your screen. And I don’t hate the dentist because I never go, I hate it because I go too much (annoying teeth!). : )

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6 Responses to Shut My Mouth, Please…

  1. Aileen says:

    Same here! Bad trip to the dentist as a kid scarred me for life. Gyno any day.

  2. michele says:

    I once read (somewhere) that dentists have the highest rate of suicide because everyone is always saying
    “I hate the dentist.”.. I agree.. no matter how comfortable they make the visit..my mind works overtime..AND I always think of that scene in the
    movie Dustin Hoffman made many years ago when the person who was about to torture him unrolled DENTAL TOOLS…and proceeded to torture him…UGH

  3. Lisa says:

    Dentist the Menace, that’s for sure….hate them. Necessary evil that’s always eveil no matter what they do!

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