Shut It, Gisele. Seriously. Just Shut It.

Gisele comforting her Tommy post-loss and post-rant.

Gisele Bündchen made an absolute boob of herself again. My anger at this big-mouthed beeyotch who was born 90-feet tall to be a silent clothes hanger has been simmering for awhile, but now it’s hot. Boiling, in fact. And, Yoko Bündchen, I am about to do the very thing I hate most during fights. I am not going to just focus on your Super Bowl blunder that broke the code of brotherhood, I am going to recap your top insert-foot-in-mouth moments that messed with the Mommy sisterhood, too.

First, the Super Bowl. G’s prayers for her “Tommy” went unanswered, as the Patriots earned a devastating loss. Yes, earned. The Pats made mistakes, missed plays, and fell as a team–until Gisele’s reprehensible rant ripped them apart.

“My husband cannot f—ing throw the ball and catch the ball at the same time,” the all-mighty Gisele said post-game. “I can’t believe they dropped the ball so many times.”

Okay, I get it…you wanted to stand by your man…but you don’t do it at the expense of his men in front of a microphone.  Save a little something for pillow talk!

“There should be a worldwide law, in my opinion, that mothers should breastfeed their babies for six months,” declared smarty pants G a couple of years ago. “Are you going to give chemical food to your child, when they are so little?”

Uh, yeah. Some women want all of their body parts back right after their baby’s nine-month lease expires. Others don’t make enough milk naturally. And if you kindly remove your head from your a$$, Gisele, some women adopt or foster children. Are your hair extensions weighing your brain down or something?

“I think that a lot of people get pregnant and decide they can turn into garbage disposals.  I was mindful about what I ate, and I gained only 30 pounds.”

Okay, so according to G, all women are big, fat, disgusting pigs if they gain more than 30 pounds carrying a baby in their belly. Calling preggo women who give into cravings weak wasn’t good enough for her; Little Miss Thang had to go ahead and call us garbage disposals. Would you invite this b*tch over for a playdate? I would…but only with my garbage disposal!

For G, childbirth “didn’t hurt in the slightest.” She gave birth in a warm bathtub, with her adoring hubby looking over her shoulder, in a tranquil state, free of discomfort. For me, it took two days of labor, three hours of pushing, and an emergency c-section. There was horrific pain–lots of it.

I really, really don’t like her. At all.

Disclaimer: I am not jealous of Gisele (Bridget Moynahan is more my type), nor do I have a thing for her hubby (so not a pretty boy in my eyes). Alright, I will admit to being envious that she got back in a bikini one second after her zen birth and is projected to be modeling’s first billionaire, but that’s as far as it goes. Truly, I am just pissed off by pretty much everything she says, and I wish she’d shut her pie hole. Shut it, Gisele. Seriously. Just shut it.

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