Payback Is a Bitch!

This is what my ear looks like...just flip the image sideways. The green sh*t is my wayward ear.

Payback is, indeed, the biggest bitch ever.

This was our terrace. Don't hate me. I am already hated enough by the universe, apparently.

You know those “cha-cha-cha-Chia” Pets that you’ve surely mocked on TV (disclaimer: don’t even tell me if you bought one because I am in no mood and will mercilessly make fun)? Okay, well, my ear is now a Chia Pet–it keeps growing and growing, all because I had a great time in the gorgeous waters of Puerto Rico. Oh, and I had a lot of fun in the private hot tub on our terrace, too.

Besides one small snafu--our beach bag was stolen with our car keys in it (thanks, Chef Julie, for bringing our spare set to the airport), we had a magical vacation. The rabbit wasn't pulled out of the hat until the day we returned home.

Naughty me. And, now, I am paying with a proper bitchslapping by the Energizer Bunny (how’s that for back-in-the-day-cafe?). It keeps going and going and going. Don’t you worry.

Since I returned from my trip, I have been to the Emergency Room twice, ENT once (with another appointment Friday), and had two procedures–one involving a wick, the other a vacuum (an exorcism, really)–trying to tame a mother effer of an ear infection. I am looped up on Percocet. I walk like I have a pole up my a$$ because I am so afraid of falling from the dizziness. I am a hostage in my home because I can’t drive (I already hit Scott’s car in our driveway on my first trip to the ER). It’s ugly.

Pretty girl, but she has some ears to be reckoned with. Just sayin'.

Kate Hudson, Jennifer Garner, Lyle Lovett, and Steve Urkel got nothing on me. My ear can take all of their ears down. Seriously, it is DOUBLE the size of my other ear, and has its own heartbeat at this point. I listen to it all night long, so I know it’s alive! It’s ALIVE! ALIVE!

To add insult to injury, I was supposed to start my new part-time job yesterday, but I had to delay everything–including a physical which includes an audiogram and drug test. Yes, let’s hire the Mommy with the perk addiction who can’t hear out of her right ear. YESSSSS! Sounds like a good plan.

I can’t believe this payback. I never take drugs. I never have drug tests. I haven’t worked in two years. I haven’t been away in three years…and this is what I get for a few nights with my hubby in Puerto Rico? Bitch! WTF?

Give me a click on the big brown box below, please. In addition to growing a cyclops ear, I have dropped in the Top Mommy Blogs ranks. I know you guys read my blog…just give me a little love, and click. That’s all you have to do. Thanks.

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