Mommy Dish | Dishing about Family and Food

Confessions of a Hurricane Mommy

Posted on October 28, 2012 by Mommy Dish

Grocery stores love Mother Nature when she acts up.

So, I am in the midst of preparing for a hurricane. Are you jealous?

My son is two-years-old, and this is his second hurricane. We were without power for nearly one week during the last one, and it was beyond belief bad. I know you love me because I can bitch like a champ, but, seriously, dealing with a teenager detoxing from all things electronic and changing a cranky baby’s crap by candlelight nearly sent me off the edge. I made it through by taking out my frustration on National Grid’s automated voice messaging system (I can get really testy with those computerized assholes in a way I’d love to with many real people without the fear of repercussion). A steady supply of Mommyjuice and earplugs to block out the agonizing hum of our ~~annoyingly prepared~~ neighbor’s generator helped, too.

So, here I am–again. But this time I am smarter. I am more prepared. I am on it, baby. Here are the Confessions of a Hurricane Mommy:

Here we are earlier today. I am all about toddler distraction with an M&M cookie pre-hurricane.

– I am incapable of spending less than $250 at the grocery store in anticipation of a natural disaster. I get wrapped up in the frenzy of overflowing carts. I walk around with a little more pep in my step to grab (forcefully as necessary) the last loaf of my family’s favorite bread. I bribe my toddler with cookie or two so I can buy shit I ~~definitely~~ probably don’t need. That’s just how I roll in a hurricane. I am not going to deny it anymore.

– I use hurricanes as an excuse to buy snacks and sweets I normally leave on the shelves. If we’re dealing with the apocalypse, who the hell wants to go out eating rice cakes? Bring on the chips and salsa…and the chocolate.

A small sampling of our emergency goods grouped together by my husband. Yes, Mommyjuice is in there–right next to the batteries. The man loves me.

– My husband gets off on preparing our home for said apocalypse. A hurricane is like porn for Mr. Safety. Batteries, flashlights, candles, lanterns. Cue the Bomchickawowwow background music, please.

– My Mommybrain often screws with my ability to locate my keys, but it doesn’t interfere with my ability to learn from my mistakes. I booked a shitty hotel near my house several days ago with the enthusiasm of making reservations at The Ritz just in case I wind up being trapped in a cold, dark house eating PB&J with smelly kids in TV withdrawal.

– I look forward to the first weather-related school closing of the year like I am still a kid. Am I the only Mommy who still gets excited waking up at the crack-of-dawn to turn on the TV to look for the announcement from my town? And it’s still such a buzz-kill if I just miss the listing and I have to wait FOREVER for it to come around again.

– The only thing I am missing right now is feetie pajamas. Next time. Next time…

Stay safe, everyone! And please give me a click before you lose power:

Posted in Baby, Dishes, Family, Food, Kids, Life, Mommy, Parents, recipes, Thoughts, weather | Comments Off

Dear Jodi?

Posted on October 1, 2012 by Mommy Dish

I just got a perplexing letter from a reader. I nearly fell off my chair. Who am I kidding? I hit the ground hard–with a big fat thud courtesy of my lingering post-preggo poundage. (Sidebar: cheers to Christina Applegate, who recently admitted she just gave up maternity jeans and her daughter is almost Alex’s age. Take that, Gisele. You best own up to getting one freaking craving with this pregnancy or you will remain on my shit list. Ask anyone in my life–it’s definitely not the place to be).

Anyway, here’s the letter (below). Steady yourselves…

Hi there,

I have recently discovered your blog and find it very interesting to read, so I thought you would be a good person to seek advice from. I hope you don’t mind me contacting you in this way.

I have a four-year-old daughter and she can be, shall we say, quite a handful! Don’t get me wrong, she is very loving, but a lot of the time she is hard work and is very disobedient. I have tried timeouts and taking things away and also taking to her about her behaviour but it doesn’t seem to work. What works in your home? What is your secret because your family seems so happy and well balanced. I appreciate any advice you can offer. Thank you and God bless you and your family.

Me? The Mommy at the helm of a happy and well balanced family? Only with a steady supply of Mommyjuice–and if my wine glass is half full!

Do I come off as someone who has her shit together? Some days my car sends me a panicked message– “— until empty”–because it’s running on fumes. I don’t have time to stop because my son fought me like a ninja warrior to avoid getting dressed, I burnt my English muffin, and I forgot my cell phone so I had to turn around at the end of my street to get it. Or I spilled my coffee trying to place it in my passive-aggressive cup holder and I needed to change ~~for the tenth time because all of my clothes look better on the hanger~~ again for work (sometimes I’ll act like my java jolt happened at the office to avoid squeezing into a new outfit, but don’t tell anyone). Whatever.

Bottom line is I am a hot mess who has the ability to fool many people into thinking I am on top of everything (remember when I paid the ridiculous rush fee and almost took a Granny out trying to score a parking space at the mall to get custom holiday cards printed on time for New Year’s?)

My son is a perfect little angel at school. He charmed his teachers, the administrative staff, and his classmates in two-seconds flat. He is the center of attention wherever he goes, has dance moves that rival early Michael Jackson (pre-moonwalk–can’t do that yet, but give him time), and has killer dimples. He holds hands with my teenager’s friends in the back seat of my car and has no fear of rejection when it comes to kissing girls full on the lips. He’s a player with mad game, and he knows it–at age two.

Trust me...he's up to something. He's always up to something.

But he still backhands me when he doesn’t want his diaper changed, or ~~his~~ my iPhone taken away. He chucks his sippy cup across the room if he decides he’s the victim of a bait-and-switch. (Milk, Mom? Hell no! I want juuuuuuiiiiiiiccccceeee!). He hides under the table when I am running late just to test how long I can maintain my Mommy cool (your guessed it–not long!). Oh, and he whips off his diaper and pees in his indoor tent for giggles.

Time-outs do nothing. My evil Mommy look does nothing. I am completely ineffective.

And my teenager? She can have a major attitude, too. Don’t even get me started…

I am with you, dear reader. No advice here…except to Google it. And hug your daughter extra tight when she lets you to make up for all the times she makes you get on your knees and pray for bedtime. Treat yourself to a glass of Mommyjuice/bar of chocolate (the good kind–you’ve earned it) to take the edge off when she kicks your ass. Relish the few hours of sleep you do get and dream of a better tomorrow. That’s all I got–and it blows.

Does anyone out there have any real idea on how to discipline their young children effectively? Beuller? Beuller?

Please vote for me! I have plummeted from the top ten to 200-something in Top Mommy Blogs. Give me a click…that’s all I ask. You can do it. Here’s the big box to click:

Posted in Baby, Family, Kids, Life, Parents, Teenagers, Thoughts, Uncategorized | 2 Comments

Google: Friend or Foe?

Posted on September 23, 2012 by Mommy Dish

Alex would dig this one. Maybe one day he'll be a Google addict like his Mommy.

Freaking Google. It’s a frenemy to us Mommies, don’t you think?

I have been MIA on Mommy Dish for awhile (not like me–I am sorry I suck right now). But, no worries, I can give you a recap on my life based on my Google searches. I am obsessed. Maybe I’ll Google naughty Mommy blogger. Or staying sane while your favorite Mommy Blogger goes insane (thanks for your emails asking for a post, loves). Or both. When in doubt, Google it, right?

Anyway, here’s my life, Googlified:

Remember when Winona Ryder stuffed her coat with clothes when she could have bought out the whole store? That's the story with Ashley's friend. No money problems...just attention problems.

1) Shoplifting teens: Yup, I was the lucky Mommy on pick-up call at the mall when one of Ashley’s friends stole Hanky Panky thong underwear from Nordstroms. No, “friend” isn’t code for Ashley. I tell it like it is, and would own up to it if my kid had sticky fingers. Anyway, I had Alex in tow and, somehow, I was the bad-ass adult who had to deal with this whole clusterf*ck of a situation. Local cops, disappointed sales staff, a cranky manager, a crying teenager caught on surveillance…and me. I had to call the girl’s Mom, who I adore, and tell her that her daughter has been banned from Nordstroms for two years and may be prosecuted. I had to calm Ashley and her other friend who didn’t pull a Winona Ryder down. And, yes, I had to bribe my impatient two-year-old with a $7 smoothie to buy some time with the men in blue so the alleged thief could be released into my custody (fun ride home, let me tell you). According to Google, stealing for the thrill of it is not uncommon in teenage wasteland. Yay me.

2) How to do it all and not be overwhelmed: I am working and Mommying now. It’s really freaking hard. I am exhausted. I’ve gone through two $25 under-eye concealers in one month, and I still look like a celeb on the verge of a mandatory rehab stint without the benefit of airbrushing. I miss getting up with my baby and figuring out what our daily adventure will be over coffee and a sippy cup. I miss yoga pants, park dates, “aha!” moments, and cuddle sessions with no time constraints. I miss us. According to Google, I am definitely not alone on this one, either.

3) Peeing toddler: My son’s teacher mentioned that Alex was soaking his diapers to the point they were going to burst. With concerned eyes, she told me Alex’s ghetto diaper was weighing his pants down due to a daily peeing frenzy (well, maybe she didn’t say that exactly, but you get the gist). I’ve tried time and time again to resist the urge to Google every single ailment that affects everyone in my life. But I just can’t stop. Thankfully, the Google matches for diabetes and all sorts of sinister diseases did not apply here. My husband was pumping Alex full of juice (and water, though I am sure it was more juice) before drop off because he didn’t feel like he ate a big enough breakfast. One day after I reeled Daddy in on his “Hey, Mommy’s gone, here’s the good non-organic sugar-laden juice she doesn’t let you drink!” offers to Alex, the ghetto diapers disappeared. Whoomp there it is!

I Googled National Ovarian Cancer Awareness Month in honor of my Mom, a ten-year survivor who’s still fighting, and dedicated one million hours to the cause (feeding my under-eye concealer addiction). Learn the symptoms so I can get some rest, okay?

Of course I Googled at least one hundred more topics, but I can’t share them all with you. Google probably knows more about me than my husband! ; ) So, an inquiring Mommy wants to know: Google, friend or foe?

xoxo

Jodi

P.s. Give me a click, please.

Posted in Baby, celebrity, Kids, Life, Mommy, Parents, Teenagers, Thoughts, Uncategorized, volunteer | 9 Comments

Eeeeeek! EEE!

Posted on August 13, 2012 by Mommy Dish